NEW YORK, NY — GameStop has of­fered roughly $55.5 bil­lion to ac­quire eBay in a trans­ac­tion that val­ues the on­line mar­ket­place at $125 per share, or one $20 bill pay­out plus the right to feel stu­pid for ask­ing. Under the pro­posed terms, eBay share­hold­ers could elect to re­ceive the full amount in GameStop store credit, a struc­ture CEO Ryan Cohen said would “unlock om­nichan­nel value for cus­tomers who al­ready un­der­stand money as a spec­u­la­tive in-store coupon.”

Cohen told in­vestors the merger would com­bine GameStop’s en­thu­si­ast re­tail base with eBay’s vast sec­ond­hand mar­ket­place into a sin­gle e-com­merce plat­form ca­pa­ble of chal­leng­ing Amazon, or at min­i­mum cre­at­ing the first com­pany on Earth able to low­ball you through every stage of the trans­ac­tion. “There is a clear strate­gic fit be­tween a re­tailer that of­fers you $3.12 for a work­ing con­sole and a mar­ket­place that helps a stranger relist it for $280 plus ship­ping,” Cohen said. “Together, we can build a more seam­less cir­cu­lar econ­omy of be­ing jerked off and robbed at the same time.”

If com­pleted, the deal would unite two of the in­ter­net’s largest re­sale ecosys­tems un­der one roof, fi­nally al­low­ing a sin­gle cor­po­ra­tion to tell cus­tomers their item is worth al­most noth­ing be­fore im­me­di­ately sell­ing it to some­one else for ten times the price with the phrase RARE!!! in the ti­tle. According to a draft term sheet re­viewed by Least Squared, the of­fer re­mains con­tin­gent on eBay ar­riv­ing in “good used con­di­tion,” with orig­i­nal pack­ag­ing, no sticker dam­age, and no mean­ing­ful scratches to the brand. GameStop re­serves the right to down­grade the of­fer if due dili­gence re­veals loose discs, miss­ing ca­bles, or too many years spent pre­tend­ing NFTs were a se­ri­ous busi­ness.